Freedom and Fear

A friend once advised me not to be bothered about the world when you blog. Your blog should be your right! Write whatever you want! I even had friends complimenting me for my braveness and boldness telling me how friends should accept someone for what they really are – just as themselves. Yet at times I wonder if I have done the right thing by telling my friends that I have a blog.

At the very start of my blogging days I remember the excitement and also the rate of my heart beat. Each time I saw someone leaving me a comment my eyes just opens wide and my face glows all bright. Days pass the brightness got dimmer and dimmer. All of a sudden I’m running. My behavior of a run is visibly seen upon the frequency of me changing my blog addresses and also maintaining a dual blog to represent split personalities of myself!

I loose two things by running away from blogging. Firstly the credibility and support from friends because they get really bored with the idea of knowing me with different web addresses and the other is I miss having blog anniversaries. I just so envy all those who soundly have many blog anniversaries. Well I blame myself actually because I fear the fear of revealing too much.

Many people I care about reads my blog these days. One thing I know for sure is that even though they are not commenting, they sure are keeping in touch with my life by reading my blog. Knowing this how can I blog about the person who reads this blog? Yes I can change the person’s name and give them an imaginary one, but towards the end of the day the person whom I’m blogging about would in a way know it’s them!! I wonder now where does the freedom of me blogging go now!?

When I’m angry sometimes I write stuffs as to how angry and sad I am. I’m just being bold, brutal and upright but I just don’t want anyone getting hurt by my brutal honestly.

Maybe I should ask all those who reads my blog to comment in the blog and not to ask me about it in reality. Let the blog life be a debate on the blog life so it does not affect the reality life. Yet I know some things are easier said than done. Human’s feelings and thoughts are things we think we can control but we can’t. Until we see, read and feel with the story, no one can predict and say “THIS is how I’m going to react!!!!”.

I’m not sure where this post is heading. Will I blog about my current thoughts or hurt that’s been bugging me?…. Probably I would, BUT AGAIN!, I’m running from FEAR. The FEAR of HURTING someone I CARE and LOVE!