Thursday, August 23, 2007

Weird call

I had the most disturbing call this morning. A girl i know through work just called me to ask me if i'm doing ok because it seems she had a dream that I was dead. How weird I thought. God I hope it is nothing...

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


The latest song I wrote

Throughout our busy lives we come across so many people with various walks of life
And we can never stop a sudden friendship that becomes a part of our daily lives
Friendship is something that needs time
To build a sense of trust and love
And only time can help decide
The genuinity of that love
And I would say I am suprised
We've built a sense of trust in a short time
And I'll be thankful all my life
For all the moments we have shared together

Chorus : Cause Baby you're so
Gentle and soft and so sweet in your ways
For all of your love, hugs and kisses
Is what keeps a smile on my face
For I'm so ever grateful to have you
Always here by my side
And baby I pray that this love we share
Would last us a lifetime

Now that I have you here can't think of a day goes by my without you by my side
I'm just amazed of all the changes that's been happening to me since your presence in my life
Amazing how there's so much love
Trapped deep within this heart of mine
Words can't express my joy within
This tears speaks the joy my heart feels
For I'm so glad and thanks to you
I feel each passing day so brand new
And I know this one is true
It was your love that made my life new

Chorus : Cause Baby you're so
Gentle and soft and so sweet in your ways
For all of your love, hugs and kisses
Is what keeps a smile on my face
For I'm so ever grateful to have you
Always here by my side
And baby I pray that this love we share
Would last us a lifetime

Bridge : For there could never be another love to replace you
Cause my heart has this little dreams that only you can fill
And no matter what life has planned for me I'd promise you
A love that's so gentle, so pure and so true
For as long we both shall live

Chorus : Cause Baby you're so
Gentle and soft and so sweet in your ways
For all of your love, hugs and kisses
Is what keeps a smile on my face
For I'm so ever grateful to have you
Always here by my side
And baby I pray that this love we share
Would last us a lifetime

Help me let go

You came and taught me the game of love. With love you taught me that when there’s no pain there’s no gaining. Yet end of it all I had only pain and no gain. When you left, it shattered my heart. Questions, heavy left in my head. How am I to survive? Why does it hurt so badly? So many WHY"S in my head yet nothing has an answer. I try to hide my loneliness but there’s your voice in my head telling me how you wished you were there and you were the one next to me. If only you were still around I could have been a Mrs. or a mom by now. What hurts most is that I never had the chance to even say goodbye.

5 years now since you left. I’ve completed your destiny. I’ve fulfilled your wishes and dreams yet there’s one more left and I’m afraid I can’t and won’t be able to fulfill that last wish baby! I can’t think of anyone who can take your place or even come close to you.

Why is it so hard to get a genuine guy who can accept me for what I am? Lately all my friends are getting married one by one. I can’t help but feel sad for myself. It is already sad enough I don’t have a social life and now it’s getting worst that I don’t have someone to dump my sorrows too. Yes I have friends but I can’t talk to them about my feelings and hurt.

At this point I can’t stop my tears from flooding my cheeks. In my every tear I see you. In my every drop of tear, I see your dimple smile with your arms wide open that makes me wanting to run into your arms, hug you and to feel your soft kisses on my forehead. I remember your gentle touch and your ever moist lips just as clear as your hour of doom. There you lie motionless. Your body so cold. Oh I felt a knife piercing my soul. I’m alive but stuck as if I’ve been striked by lightning, too shocked to cry. Those final hours still give me a shiver each time I think about it. Yet again, in every tear there are fond memories as well.

Help me dear to show me that right person that would be fit enough to take your place. I don’t want this silence to hurt me greater dearie. It’s coming to 5 years and I can’t control my feelings and the promise that I’ve made to you baby. Help me to let go love. Help me. Oh I wish I could just have you standing in front of me for one last time. I seriously would just once want to feel your kiss and assuring hug. I just need that shoulder to just scream my heart out and pour our all my sourness and bitterness and sadness……

Help me let go love…………………………………….

Monday, August 20, 2007

An Experience of Meeting GOD

Hello there,

How did your weekend go? Well I’m glad I made a new friend and that is what this blog is all about. I recall and old song by John Osborn.. if I’m not mistaken it’s John or Joe or something like that… The song is all about what if god was one of us. Many Christians especially would hate that song because it’s a mockery of Christianity in general. But I met God through Anita last Saturday.

About weeks now my friend Anita had been talking about her friend whom she knows as God. So last Saturday she was going out with him and she invited me to join. At the beginning I was afraid of crashing an intimate union but then Anita assured me that it was ok to tag along. So I went to Chilli’s BSC to meet them. I was so afraid of either knowing the guy or even making a fool of myself. So when I reached there I messaged Anita to ask her where she was and she said she was sitting near the bar. I walked and there saw the back view of Anita. I was facing face to face with God. There he was with very big round eyes, tanned about my colour, wide smile. I said Hi, introduced myself and after that we moved to another table. It was a good meet I will say. I had found memories.

Hopefully we could do this another time again………………….

Sunday was at church. Since I drank white wine Saturday, I had lots of recovering sessions at home on Sunday. And today is Monday the day we all dread because we are at work!!! Sob sob sob. Can’t wait for the week to run pass fast so I can catch up with myself for a change next week! That is if I don’t get an invitation to loose out again!

Oh by the way, I know God’s name is S now so I’ll call him S and not God for I’ll be a sinner :). Cheers all…………………………….

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

My Life Last Whole Week

Last week Monday was my competency appraisal week. Competency ratings are what my company bases on for a staff’s annual increment. Since hearing the news about appraisal week, my tummy was just growling like a hungry tiger hunting for its prey. The stress and anticipation of the wait only contributed in me going up and down the toilet. Sorry I guess that was too much detail for you. Hehehe

Anyway on Friday my boss called me in at 4pm. My whole appraisal lasted 1 ½ hours. We spoke but nothing was argued. Though he did not give me high marks, his approach was definitely softer than my Ex-boss. I thought to myself no point arguing because I’ll not say I have the perfect character. Right after that I rushed for a cab to church because I was leading Praise & Worship last Sunday. Practice seemed Ok and reached home 10pm and straight went to bed.

On Saturday I went to work to learn something from the housing unit. Worked till 2.30 and left to Mid Valley’s Chilli’s to meet my friend Anita. We both shared the triple play but Anita paid for it. Hehe. Thanks ANITA! For the first time I had Red Wine. Before meeting Anita I went to Maybank to withdraw money. First I went to the ATM to withdraw the last 40 in my account but unfortunately the ATM only allows 50 at one go. So what I did was, I walked to the cash deposit machine and deposited RM10 and then again walked to the ATM and withdraw RM50! I’m sure many of you are going “haiyo”!, right? Well I can now imagine the security guard’s face just staring at me like I’m some loose nut around. Hehe. Definitely my most embarrassing moment. Ermmm actually it is one of my most embarrassing moment!. Hmm perhaps I should open a blog on my most embarrassing moments and I’m sure to have a list of it. That would be another post to ponder. Anyway after withdrawing the money I walked straight to Chilli’s and to my surprise I saw Suren sitting with a cute German guy. He looked at me rather surprised! In my head I just hope the surprise look was for him realizing I’ve lost weight! – hehe perasan me!!!

Ok, WHO is SUREN?, many will ask. Well he’s the PILOT nephew of my friend and ex-colleague – the late aunty Vasanta. Anyway so I walked in and headed the bar side and saw Anita as usual with her book and a drink. The place was really crowded that we had to sit at the bar. Well since Anita belanja the triple play, I only paid for my wine and movie. Gosh the tickets for RushHour3 was RM12 this time around!. Anyway at 3.45 we walked to GSC. This is the first time I’m actually drinking Red Wine unlike my usual White Wine, the minute I walked out, everything was moving. That was really bad. The first thing I did when I reached GSC was to buy myself a mineral bottle and a Snickers bar. The minute I dumped my ass on the C12 sitting, I quickly opened the Snickers and started munching while drinking water and WALLA! Situation was under control!

I reached home almost 7.45pm and headed straight to bed. The next morning I drove to church. As I was walking down the entrance of the church I realized my throat was just going haywire! My music notes were flying towards God knows which direction. Shortly I just stopped and did a small prayer and when I took lead of the Praise and Worship I thank God I got back my voice. I’m glad everything went well with church. That Sunday I just came back and slept like a pig to recover from the wine I had. Somehow I feel that the wine effect is still working in me. But then again it could be my imagination…….

Wonder what this week has in store for me! He he

Saturday, July 28, 2007

It's all about Me ... THE HEART!

No one will know how excited I was this morning. Though excited, I got a little worried because it was closing to 9.30am and I still did not see the freaking sign of the bus to Butterworth!. The blood vessels started heating things up to make me pound harder and harder. The excitement and restlessness could be seen in the eyes and the forehead of the holder. Suddenly I started beating at normal 120/80 reading with a sense of relief when the eyes saw the CONSORTIUM BUS to Butterworth!

The legs walked, found its seat. And the bum rested at its place. The hands removed a purple book from the beg. Zillions of thoughts running through the brains but the hands somehow were stuck. I stand here still at 120/80, getting very cozy and comfortable. Suddenly the eyes opened
and I started pumping faster. It was the bus stopping for people to go to the toilet. The legs walked, the hands did its thing and when all was done, the bum took its place again. The eyes dropped again and I was at calm till the legs walked down the bus at the Juru exit. The journey
was so cool. I saw greenery through the eyes. It all somehow relaxed my heavy burden with the busy life I've had back in KL..

The legs entered the house. The eyes showed me a big house, well kept. I was coolly beating as normal at 120/80. Suddenly after 7 hours I started beating restlessly. Not sure what to do.. the legs and the arms started walking up and down, not sure where to stop. The eyes started feeling
shy. There he came, this dark tall shining knight. He was easily 6ft tall, dark, short wavy graying hair, dark black eyes with long eye lashes. All of a sudden the eyes met and I became shy, a warm fuzzy feeling came over me... it was like an electric wave within the veins. No words utttered only the eyes spoke of shyness and as for me I was beating at 120/80 as well as 180/110... all for a good reason. I wonder if she's in love all over again!.................

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Weird Day

What a weird day I had yesterday. For those who were following my blog, you would know I had a massive break off lately. Well with heated arguments and words going criss cross, we (the guy and his parents and I) agreed on comman grounds to end it all. Is it really over on his side? I guess not upon the visit by his family in my house last night!

When I reached home last night I saw D's car and saw lots of sandals and shoes in front of my house. I thought for one minute that perhaps his parents and he has come to give me the wedding card of D. To my suprise when I entered the house his mother just hugged me and kissed my forehead telling how sorry she is for all the words she use on me and then telling me how thin I've grown and all those usual typical indian lady speech! I too apologized for all the words I have thrown towards her in anger and she just said " I understand sweetie, anyone in your shoes may have said worse things!". Now that was an eye shocking situation! I was in total shocked.

The thing in my head was, WHY must they pay me the visit? They told my parents how D misses me and that they just thought of meeting me. Now this is the very same people who said they can get many proposals for their son out there and yet now they are back!!!. Who do they think of me? They think I'm a toy whom they can fiddle and pass me whenever they want? Anyway I just kept my cool and treated them with norm.

The left the house at close to 11.00pm. At 1am D called me and said, " hey I just reached. I know u're sleeping and sorry to disturb u. You looking great. Can we meet up for a movie this weekend?". Being very sleepy I told him i'll speak to him back today. I have a feeling he is trying to patch things back. But how can I accept him after all what has happened!? I definately can't handle a mother in law who's called me a BITCH before in my life and neither can I live my life with a mother in law whom I've called names such as TYPICAL LADY and also say rudely the word SHUT UP!.

I guess I'll call him and tell him that I'm sorry that I can't do movie or even a drink with him. I still have a certain amount of feelings for him but don't want to give him hopes and make it worse than it has already been. I believe if a guy can't fight for you once, you can never be happy with him the second time around. I can't imagine problems arising after marriage and if his mother were to interfere, then he'd not fight for me again. So at this point of time I think letting him go for good is the wise thing to do.

There is a saying that goes, if you love the guy so much let him go and if he returns he is yours. If the guy is meant for you he will return. I know my love for him is true that he has returned but the fact of his character is concerned I don't think he's MAN enough to be my HUSBAND!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Freedom and Fear

A friend once advised me not to be bothered about the world when you blog. Your blog should be your right! Write whatever you want! I even had friends complimenting me for my braveness and boldness telling me how friends should accept someone for what they really are – just as themselves. Yet at times I wonder if I have done the right thing by telling my friends that I have a blog.

At the very start of my blogging days I remember the excitement and also the rate of my heart beat. Each time I saw someone leaving me a comment my eyes just opens wide and my face glows all bright. Days pass the brightness got dimmer and dimmer. All of a sudden I’m running. My behavior of a run is visibly seen upon the frequency of me changing my blog addresses and also maintaining a dual blog to represent split personalities of myself!

I loose two things by running away from blogging. Firstly the credibility and support from friends because they get really bored with the idea of knowing me with different web addresses and the other is I miss having blog anniversaries. I just so envy all those who soundly have many blog anniversaries. Well I blame myself actually because I fear the fear of revealing too much.

Many people I care about reads my blog these days. One thing I know for sure is that even though they are not commenting, they sure are keeping in touch with my life by reading my blog. Knowing this how can I blog about the person who reads this blog? Yes I can change the person’s name and give them an imaginary one, but towards the end of the day the person whom I’m blogging about would in a way know it’s them!! I wonder now where does the freedom of me blogging go now!?

When I’m angry sometimes I write stuffs as to how angry and sad I am. I’m just being bold, brutal and upright but I just don’t want anyone getting hurt by my brutal honestly.

Maybe I should ask all those who reads my blog to comment in the blog and not to ask me about it in reality. Let the blog life be a debate on the blog life so it does not affect the reality life. Yet I know some things are easier said than done. Human’s feelings and thoughts are things we think we can control but we can’t. Until we see, read and feel with the story, no one can predict and say “THIS is how I’m going to react!!!!”.

I’m not sure where this post is heading. Will I blog about my current thoughts or hurt that’s been bugging me?…. Probably I would, BUT AGAIN!, I’m running from FEAR. The FEAR of HURTING someone I CARE and LOVE!